also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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