4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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