this beer tastes like vomit already
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
