Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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