Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
