It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
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I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
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blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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