Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
