he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
