By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
