on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
