I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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