If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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