my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
