im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
