just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
