Michael Bay diarrhea
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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