I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
