it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
