thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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