I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
