someone threw a dead crab at me
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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