this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
