She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
