it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
