Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
