At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
