This girl is more easily done than said...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
