Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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