I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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