Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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