just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
