U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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