It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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