i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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