i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
