Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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