apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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