Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
