also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
