Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
