How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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