Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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