My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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