your room smells of hookers.
And success
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
