You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
