im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You are the jesus of drinking
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
