So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
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The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
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So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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