I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
