my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
