Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You are the jesus of drinking
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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