So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
