Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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