Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
