I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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