and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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