so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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