Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
