I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
