Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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