she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
