We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
